Lymph node under my left armpit are enflamed...oozing at a spot. Reddish. Swollen. Thought about shaving my armpit hairs just to keep it a little cleaner to manage, and yet I fear damaging the sensitive area...a blink of pain wanes in and out at what seems to be odd intervals...sometimes 10 minutes apart, other times 40 minutes apart. With a subtle ring of pain in my chest...I can't help but feel they're connected...am I having a heart attack, or is this angina? Why has my breathing become manual? Why haven't I been to a doctor in years...
It could've been when I sustained a fall on Wednesday morning...I've read lymph nodes can enflame in response to an impact or injury...at least, I'm assuming I fell at some point then...I can't remember. I drank myself to blackout status on Tuesday night, and I woke up with the left side of my leg and hip sore....drinking at my buddy's house to celebrate the return of an old friend...we both left and drove to our respective beds. I woke up in my bed...he woke up in a jail cell.
Thats what I woke up to. Two text messages from him last night. "Arrested" and "Help."...sent at 4 in the morning when I was already passed out....and fuck, man. What if one of my best friends fucking died on the last day he was going to spend with us in Dallas for a while. What if I got arrested? What if I died? Now a DUI is on the play for him...and I feel awful about it.
He got out yesterday. Got his car from the impound, and now he's driving back home to the fiance that we all received a wedding invitation to THE DAY we got drunk in the first place.
Fuck alcohol man. I've been drinking for years, and not once have I ever craved it. Not once have I ever gone, "Gee, I could sure go for some Bourbon" , "Wow, some Jaeger would really hit the spot!" "All thats missing is some tequila" ....I've never. Craved it. Its always been social. Always the mentality of "Hey dude! You can't drink alone, thats fucked up, lets do this!" or "Hey man, am I going to take this shot by myself?"
...Am I fooling myself that I don't crave it from time to time? Walking up to the front of the stage at some local venue while bands are doing sound check...the palp in my mouth as I smack my lips and think, "This calls for a beer." "Whats that, a free shot? Don't mind if I do."
...Do I have a problem? I feel like I'm wasting away. I feel like I have potential, and fuck, based on what? I feel like I'm getting less and less done as the weeks zoom by. Creatively. Academically. Professionally. Financially. Romantically. Socially? Puh...at least I'm doing one thing right....I think?
I'm a biker. I could die on the road this weekend from some asshole in a truck that was on his goddamned cell phone...on another warm night when I choose clear visor glasses instead of my full-face helmet. The same helmet thats protected my skull TWICE. In the only two accidents I've ever had.
That's fucking stupid. I'm an organ donor thats itchin' to share.
I might want to be a pilot, I may be a coordinated vehicle operator, but I am taking fucking idiotic risks driving drunk. Time, and time again...of course I've spent the night after a party. But on the sole basis of "it hasn't happened yet" I pull this bullshit again...and again....and I'm good! I drive abreast to active duty police officers on the abandoned streets of 2 or 4 in the morning. Or maybe they know, and they don't want to deal with me. Maybe I'm a problem that'll sort itself out in a ditch or in the side of somebodys car up the road.
Is luck finite? Will I even live long enough to find out!?
...and I'm done....I don't even want to drink anymore. I'm done with this shit. I feel like my conciounse is hungover. I want to cry, and I just want to crawl away and sleep, but I can't even do that. I stare at my ceiling and my mind travels in awful places...horrible simulations of what could have been. What can very realistically be....and it scares the shit out of me.
I'm done. If I want to show people what "L33T FUCKING SKILLS" I have as a driver or biker or pilot or whatever, they won't care, but if I did....I'm doing it sober. I'm so done.
-This is Phobotech!-
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I'm dealing with stress.
Posted by Galneda - May 30th, 2014
Comments
If not drinking alcohol makes you feel bad (not saying that's what you're saying), that's a sign that you have a problem.
Luck doesn't exist. You've already run out.
Not trying to be mean there, but I'm trying to stress the point that no one is lucky who doesn't take steps to put themselves in a position to be lucky.
I'm just starting out on the workforce. I take jobs for next to nothing to make connections so that MAYBE some time I get lucky and the person I helped will benefit me in the long run. That's just what I have to do in my field. It sucks but its the way of the world if you have ambition.
What is your ambition? Just sit back and relax? To have a family and girl/boyfriend? To be a plane or helicopter pilot? I'm not saying you have to commit to these things. But there is absolutely no fucking reason not to take the steps you need to put yourself in a good position to do the things you MIGHT want to do.
1. Drinking is fun til its not.
2. Make sure you're clean and have good social skills.
3. No one is going to tell you when enough is enough. You have to tell yourself that.
You have more control over your life than you seem to give yourself credit for.
Good luck, dude.
I'll watch that closely...I'm paranoid that I'm in denial of being dependent on it...and the next time I'm around some heavy liquor, I'll be watching closely for that negativity of not-having it....I'll be searching for that void. If I feel that, I'm definitely going to drop the shit forever...none of that "everything in moderation" mentality.
"no one is lucky who doesn't take steps to put themselves in a position to be lucky."
So, what I'm getting out of that is, if they are actively controlling the situation so it has a good outcome, that wasn't luck; that was an intentional outcome?
I have to disagree with that man...I've been fucking BLITZED on the road, and I've driven from McKinney to Farmers Branch. Commonly, Plano to Farmers Branch. Look at that map. Look at this milage man...I passed by MANY cops in my drunk journeys, and all it would take is ONE OF THEM to take away my vehicle, to invalidate me, to foul up and throw a monkey wrench in my ambitions.
All it would take is ONE mistake on that road, one oversight, one delayed reaction, and I could find myself either dead or permanently crippled. Or have a screw loose, like Gary Busey. Bloated with debt from hospital bills, or even just mangling my reputation and credibility...there's too many factors to ignore that the act is flying in the face of failure, and luck is the only explanation I can muster as to why it hasn't happened yet. Because it should've. It should've and could've EASILY happened to me...why not?
I hope I'm not sounding confrontational, because thats not my intention. I dig that the concept of luck isn't a broadly accepted concept, any of that pseudosciency belief of karma or fate. Luck is illogical and unprovable. Just written off as a random pattern of positivity through coincidence....but I don't have an ego big enough to write off my good standing health and rap sheet on skill or instinct. Not under that level of inebriation. That shit is straight up luck...and if I persist, one day I won't be lucky on that dice roll...what then? If I do have a skill and a keen instinct, I'd rather ride that out in the purest way I can...hell, I even stopped smoking weed. It was fun, but I got shit to do.
I got too much ambition to list, since I rambled on about luck and stuff that people already know or I've already said in a different way. All the more reason to take those steps to be in a better position, like you said.
1. I can't remember when drinking stopped being fun....its probably from when I CAN remember the night before, I'm overcome with embarrassment and regret from the hindsight. Thinking I'm obnoxious and unfunny, and people must think I'm stupid. Embarrassing emotional venting, and then the fear of what I don't remember. Hastily asking people "what happened after ____" and far too often using the scapegoat for my actions as "at that point, I was too drunk to remember."
Puking kinda blows too. Hangovers kinda make the whole spectacle not worth it. Yep....drinking has always sucked, but I kept finding myself back to it, socially.
2. What, like hygienically? Yeah man, I'm on it. My social skills are great, and honestly they'd be better if I was sober, and functional. I might even be happier if I wasn't emptying my wallet at venues and bars.
3. You're absolutely right.
This is something I can control about myself. I am confident in that.
Thank you very much, man.
In life, to get to the surface, you have to swim through the flames to get there.
As if I would have to pay my dues, and adapt through the pain that comes naturally in life? To learn from the mistakes of the burns?
These are mistakes that I see coming and have so far dodged...the entire core of this post is seeing the flames of an easily avoidable firenado between me and whatever goal I see...and the guilt of riding side-by-side with my friend through a blaze, and I arrive unscathed while he suffered scars (The DUI, jailtime) from his injuries in the same fires....and I don't think thats fair, and I think it was dumb of us to risk that blaze, and I feel awful that I took that risk. I feel worse that he has those burns.
I've TAKEN that risk for years...and its not just that friend but OTHER friends that have similar scars, similar historied burn-damage of the EXACT same shit, and I continued to do it anyway, and I see them and how its ruined SOME of their lives and career opportunities and I finally acknowledge "I'm a lucky bastard. Maybe I should stop before I suffer the same fate."
I feel like I should do a 'Max Payne'-esque voice over on this.
I'm not sure whether to say "thank you" or "I'm sorry" : /
Honestly man,i'm very sorry this happened to you i'm really am and I think its a very good idea to stop drinking im glad you made that decision and I hope your lymph node gets better too.
with a big lovable lick across your face...
-Regal
Thanks. The lick is a bit much, but the sentiment can't be ignored. So thanks!
Yeah, you don't need drinking to slow you down. Good luck staying clean, there's no shame in not wanting to drink, yo. Don't be a Luis ._. Don't be a John Denver either....
Had a conversation with one of my best friends, his roommate is an alcoholic. The very same "you can't take a shot alone" mentality, and its been that way for over half a decade...when his roommate was asleep, we had a personal realtalk about how unnecessary it is to drink, and yet, it seems to be constant.
Different people handle things in different ways. Its why some people wig out and get paranoid on pot while others get super inspired and active....and this guy, the roommate, he has some medical issues that need to be addressed. The puffy face, the blood in his stool, possible blood in his puke, though he does his best not to admit it...damaged, deteriorated issues over years of abuse.
...and its like, I lost my Uncle Bill to that shit. Proud Dallas police officer, giant, 6'+ Native American indian man, solid like a tree trunk. His liver fucking up and quit from his heavy drinking alone, at an age when I was like 7 or 8, and one of my few memories of him was him chasing me around threatening to scalp me...I wish I had a man-to-man talk with him. I wish I could learn from him.
I don't want to learn from my friend's death, if he's heading down that road, and clearly 5+ years of alcohol every weekend, sometimes on the weekdays I don't know, I can tell its had an effect on his mood.
I don't want that. Thats not a good death. Thats not a good way to age. If not quitting cold turkey, I need to seriously chill the fuck out with the drinking, and hopefully lead by example to my friends....
...but I might not have the self control to just keep it minimal. Maybe it is safer just to drop it, cold turkey...like I said in the op, I've never craved it. I never sought it out...if it was around, and it was placed in my hand, I drank it.
Sorry for rambling even more....but thanks VicariousE...I don't want to end up like that. No offense to Luis ofc
Phobo,
Instead of worrying about drinking; worry about why you drink. The why will always have a solution when it can be answered. When you know yourself well enough, the skeletons in your closet will start to have names you can work with. They will ask you to cremate them, so they can be free, and so will you. You do not have to have these horrors and scars holding you back. Ask yourself who here has the control, you, or your fear?
You're being controlled by repressed emotions, feelings and possibly the inaction that you wished deep down you acted on - that is now too late. This is going to be an uphill battle whether you're upside down or right side up. It follows you, and does not change until you do.
You can not dwell on these things, Phobo. People think holding on is what gives us strength; it doesn't. Letting go is what gives us strength. The strong minded master chaos; the weak minded need control.
A lot of people reject their past, forget their errors and build their future on a bridge they severed. Do not make this mistake. You are at a point where you can change your life to anything you will yourself to because everything that could ever hold you back is right now, here, on the surface for you to face and deal with. Try not to get caught up in the literal sense of these issues; remember the simple things in life.
When you were a child, emotions came through an open window - now, emotions come through the crack of a window. Ask yourself what happened to your enthusiasm and what lead you to drink your problems away.
I once told myself, "I am not afraid of death; I am afraid of dying to something I am unaware of."
That definitely was a wake up call man..just take a minute to pull back,breathe..and think hard about what it is you want to accomplish in your life...the clearer that becomes that more you'll realize you dont have time for any other nonsense..i got faith in you man
It feels like it happened in a much longer period of time than it has...its only been a few days. Close calls like this aren't even new to me, but something finally clicked that this was wrong. The timing for all of this is just weird...it really IS a wake-up call, and I'm surprised I haven't thought of it in that term yet.
I've been distracted off of my goals for a long time. Now that this alcohol problem is addressed, there's some serious psychological resetting I need to do on myself. Some realtalk insight. Mend what needs to be mended, purge what needs to be purged, and regain focus on the good stuff. The stuff that matters...and I know thats not going to be easy. If anything, that process will be far from calming...but I think I'm relaxing. It hasn't even been a week...that blows my mind...maybe its because I haven't slept well lately...I need to sleep.
Thanks, Jose. I really mean it dude. Thanks.
If they're your friends, you shouldn't be able to be pushed around by them... although the last time I got blotto, that's exactly what happened - it's okay though, I puked in this air conditioning vent in his (Jeep) Cherokee, while his buddy was driving me home.
Fucking peer pressure sucks, first and foremost, because it's easy for a heavy drinker to make an issue of it, to someone who's less drunk than he is.... it's hard to change the subject, and not get preachy.
Yeah. I texted the friend thats biggest in peer pressure, the very guy that was mediating the alcohol at the party when this happened. He's very much passive about whatever health issues he has (and I don't pry anyway, because that would be rude), but even when I told him "I don't want to drink anymore." He's very kiddy about it... talking about my lymph nodes, he recommends I treat it with vodka... and I know he's joking, thats his sense of humor, but man...for once it feels like I can dish it out but can't take the joke.
It'll be an interesting experience the next time I hang with him. He'll call for a shot, and I'll say no thanks, and I'll be perfectly sober while he throws 'em back.
Its not a matter of pushing around...if it is, there's going to be none of that shit. My patience is going to be real thin if he gets pushy, because this is MY test of willpower. I'm confident that I got it. If he wants to be the architect of his own destruction, thats his decision.
Sounds like you're on the right path, that's great to hear! Weed culture is dumb, unfortunately, but at least it's less likely to cause significant health problems...
Can't wait for the negative stigma on it to be lifted, and its prohibition reformed. But for the next couple of months, I really gotta focus. Good thing the green ain't addictive for me and I can just drop that whenever I want.
Phobotech my man, my biggest critic/fan :P
You've got a page full of good advice here, and it looks like you've read it and are taking it in. Just the fact that you're willing to talk about your issue(s) is a huge and very important thing. Don't lose that.
I'll add a few things:
Remember that alcohol is a drug, just like any other. It comes in cool looking bottles and candy flavors, but it is a drug. It can ruin your life, as I'm sure you are well aware, but it is sneaky. It slips in slowly, hiding under layers of social acceptability and accessibility.
Worse yet, it can ruin other people's lives. I'm not talking out of my ass here, the first job I had after coming out of the Army was working at a bar. They thought it would be great to offer two shift drinks to employees, but only within the last hour of your shift. This meant that any employee who took up this offer was guaranteed to drive home drunk.
You and I aren't lucky, it's just chance. Luck isn't one of our skills, it is simply statistics. If you ever find yourself in a position to say 'I'm lucky,' that means you need to stop before you're NOT lucky. Even on a motorcycle, you're a god damn missile waiting to turn someone's VW inside out on the freeway. Let that motivate you.
Additionally, consider fun facts like, ONE beer causes a deficiency in IQ for up to 30 days. Quit drinking for a month, and you've automatically gained a leg up on those around you. Put THAT to use on your bike skills, your developing piloting skills.
Stick to your guns on this man. If you relapse just once, increase your rate of fire, IE go to AA, take the important step of telling your friends and family you're quitting so that they can hold you accountable.
When you fail, if you fail, don't drive. If you need help, ASK. People love helping, so you won't be bothering them. Myself included.
And finally, watch how much better all your problems get when you cut out that poison. Improve your hydration, cut junk out of your diet, and watch how much better you feel. (Though you should still go see a Doctor, too many episodes of House will teach you not to screw around with lymph-nodes) :)
Unexpected surprise from ARMY_Ranger! How are you doing, man?
Did not know about the IQ deficiency...last weekend I had a beer or two, but to test this theory out, I may go cold on all alcohol in general...just to see if I feel different. And realistically speaking, the struggle that comes with tedious tasks like studying or animating may have dropped off because of a muddied mind from intensive drinking. I think its high time for a detox.
Hopefully it'll never come to an AA meeting. My family knows, my father was an alcoholic himself and dropped that shit cold-turkey decades ago...he's VERY supportive of the goal. Friends in real life, well, some of them drink themselves so they're kinda skeptical about it...a lot of "Well, you don't have to STOP, you should just take it easy, but whatever...you'll probably be healthier for it." that would be easy, though...I'm going for the boss-fight. But there are loads of friends that are all about the goal...that feels validating.
And ah yes...DIET...its been a bane of mine for quite some time, but I'm getting better by learning how to cook my own meat. Next thing to do is cut out the Dr. Peppers, and I may well be on the road to being golden.
An update on the lymph nodes, they have shrunken...they aren't pained anymore, they're just kinda itchy. I'm almost positive at this point that it was a response to stress.
Bro, thank you so much Nanashi. I really appreciate you duckin' your head in here for this.
Massaging the lymph nodes is a good thing; if they really get bad, I'll do 'em in the shower... which I did today, thanks to allergies and the drug to counteract the histamine reaction :p
The best part about weed is, the less you do, the better it is. I still can't understand why potheads need to smoke copious amounts, when only a hit or 2 will work fine! Moderation really is key - it rewards the occasional user, and bankrupts the Snoop Doggz of the world...
I diggit, but again, I observed that it effects people in different ways. I have a blast whenever I smoke socially, and I enjoy music and videos alike at a kind of a different level...but it makes me FEEL dumb. I become a couch potato, and then the days after that I'm kind of in a daze.
I need to be sharp until I land my career, y'know? I'll hold off until everything else is stable...then it'll be a treat.
True, but you might as well say bye-bye to weed soon then, like a CDL, they test pilots randomly :\ I hate seeing those vans around, and the testing centers are usually just as bad. What a 'burn'. First Cessna Cub flight I ever took, and I was in the back seat while my brother and the pilot were getting potted. Same with the return trip... and me, who played the shit out of the first version of MS Flight Simulator, not a single minute of flight time logged :|
It's a shame I live on a small farm, and got no wings :( Seen plenty of weedhoppers and balloons land here over the years though.
Haven't been tested yet, but yeah...I'm wary of that. Its why its high time for a detox.
Shit, I'm getting to the point where I'm running out of cash quickly trying to get those flight hours (still only at a measly 24, and I need 40 for a private license and IFR rating)...I'm kind of at the point where I wish I was local to some farms that needed a cropduster pilot, just so I could rack up the hours for cheap.
To me, it's no wonder why ppl get fucking blitzed, look at the state of our world and nation! Sometimes I wish I had a proper case of amnesia, so I could forget how things have changed over the course of my 40 years, or the stories from my parents an other old ppl |:
Good luck. If you need any help or anyone to talk to, holla.
AoiShinigami
I do happen to agree with your point. Alcohol is the source of a shitload of problems. I, myself, usually believe that the luck is finite, and it is quite unfortunate to hear what you've went through.
At least you sound like you quit drinking :/
Gratuliere
Galneda
Its only been a couple of days, but I guess ye gotta start somewhere.
Bottom line is I'm glad my friend is okay, and I'm happy that I'm fine....but dude, this stress...this stress is no bueno.